if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize