I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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