Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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