True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
