You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
