I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
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Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
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He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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