idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
