eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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