Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
