when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
