apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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