I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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