real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
