thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
