I'm eating all of the evidence.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
