i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
