I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
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We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
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I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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