I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
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Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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