Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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