I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
