would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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