Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
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how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
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Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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