so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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