yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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