i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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