She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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