Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.