Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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