the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
