I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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