So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
