Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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