I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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