You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
