I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
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Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
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There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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