Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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