Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
