I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
