the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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