I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
