and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
