i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
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All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body