if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You need a sexual gate keeper
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago