This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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