Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
