FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
