you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
