Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
