I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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