Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
