FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
