Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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