I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
