I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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