Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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