oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
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I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
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She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.