Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
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I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
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Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?