I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.