Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
