thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
